Fire Crotch

This experience was a very unforgettable one. It was a couple of days after Christmas and I got my new PJ Sparkle Baby doll. You know the ones that lit up when you shook it or moved it a tiny bit.

 I was so happy to have my new baby finally in my arms. Well one night me and my cousin Mckinzie was in our bedroom about to go to bed. Lying in bed I was extremely bored but not sleepy. So I started to shake my PJ Sparkle so that if she would light up. She did and lit up the whole room. It was so pretty and pink.

Every ass whooping I got well we all got was because of her. Well,  she had the ideal of wanting to light up some candles in our room to see what it looked like. So I snuck out of bed and ran, on my tippy toes in the den where the candles were, mind you they were huge. They were the size of a 24 oz can, anyways I grabbed those and ran back to bed. It was her turn but she had to go into Grandma's room, open her top drawer and take out her matches. Here is the thing about grandma's drawer it made all kinds of noises when trying to open. I suddenly heard a......

I just knew that she got caught... I was thinking it sucks to be her and hid under my covers. I heard her creep back in the room saying, "Tiff you awake?" "Yeah!" I said with my head still under the covers. I heard foot steps coming down the hall, my heart got to beating 200 miles per hour. OMG!! I can't breath...inhale..exhale. Grandma came in our room saying, "Yall need to go to bed." "Ok!" we both in unison. She shut the door. I had to catch my breath for a couple of minutes. Kinzie pulled out the matches, " I got'em." I pulled out my candles. "Got'em." Let the fun begin.

She lit the candle.. we were playing shadow animals..having a good time, laughing just being kids.  Until....

Boom!!! Went the door..then the lights came on. Damn that is a lot of smoke...

"What in the hell is all of that noise?..." "What the hell!!..Is that SMOKE in here?"

I looked at Kinzie and she looked at me, then we looked at Grandma... Kinzie I believe said the first thing that came to mind, "It was smoky outside so we shut the window." I co-signed really quick with bugged out eyes and just a nod of the head. Grandma looked at us I swore I saw the smoke coming from her nose and eyes where like fire. My sweet Grandma has turned into the monster that eats kids and I was scared.

Then she looked at us and smile, "Well, since you are lying to me I will give you a moment to think about it and closed the door. I opened the window we were both fanning our lives away. Then she throws me the candles and she keeps the matches, Ain't that a bitch, so I put them under my pillow still hot, burnt by the hot wax, but the wax was nothing compared to what was about to go down.

Grandma came back, "So. Do you want to tell the truth.?" I so wanted to say, "It was her fault.. she made me do it. I am sorry.. I love you beautiful Grandmother."

My lips nor my body could move. I think I am gonna faint. The room was spinning. The only thing I could remember is Kinzie pointing at me saying, "She wants it FIRST." FIRST!!!! First for what??!! Grandma headed straight towards me hands behind her back. Ok I am about to get my ass beat, I will except that but I was expecting a flyswatter...a switch...a shoe...the classic belt...WTF..what is that long skinny black thing. EXTENSION CORD!!! Really...before I was going to endure this pain..Mama where are you? Save me from the hell stricken pain that haunts me for the moment. "Turn over on your stomach." The thought just hurts my feelings, so I cried instantly, not because I was truly sorry, but because I wanted her to feel sorry for me.

Didn't work.

I could heard the cord as it whipped through the air. WHOOSH!!...POW...5.4.3.2.1. PAIN!!

My crying went from sympathy tears to hollering. After the first two the pain got worse to unbearable. I managed to get up away from her and I found myself myself jumping up and down on my bed like a little monkey hollering.

Then she went to Kinzie. My tears went from crying to laughing at the long dramatic sequences of "Mama No!!" She hollered I laughed but then her hollering turn from screams to a howling. That was a weird sound coming from a little girl. "Mama....Mama.. you hit my cootchie."  Grandma showed no sympathy.." It shouldn't have been in the way." Her face was red. I was crying from laughter, the pain was still there, but I forgot about it at that moment. I was sore for a few days but yet at least I didn't have fire crotch.

My little brother was laughing at us and Grandma asked him did he want some too.





THIRSTY BITCHES

T- Trying to do whatever to make themselves look good by lying to get attention.

     A) Saying they fucked your mate B) Saying you fucked them

     C) Pregnant/Baby daddy drama

H- Have a tendency to try to put a hold on someone who:

A) Don’t want them  B) In a relationship/ Married

C) Currently with or has been with your friend  D) Friendship mistaken for  

relationship

I- In denial about self esteem, so therefore they need to surround themselves around  so- called “Friends”  Motivators” “Minions” “Personal Fan Club” "Drama Club" who talks shit behind their back but they are still “cool.”

R- Really pathetic.  Loves to copy, and don't like you because you got it.

S- Stalking, following in cars, calling all of the time, texting, reading Ex’s  social networking pages, (facebook, myspace, tagged e-harmony...etc)

either trying to keep up with who he is fucking and what chick is on his page, then adding her just to see what she is to him.

T- Talking to others about their fantasies that are not realities, but talking always gets back to the person you are talking about. Which will lead to getting you:

A) Getting the business  B) Popped in the mouth

Y-Yapping out their ass about all the money, cars, hoes, dudes, people hating on them, and the fact that they are grown but don't act like it..blah..blah..blah…

                                                  “Need Water?…”

Dynamic-Doo-doo

Growing up my cousin  and I use to try to find ways to torture my little brother who was 6 at the time. He was always wanting to follow us everywhere we went.. Everywhere. When we did leave him he use to tell on us and we got in trouble by Mama and Grandma. It was always,
"He is the youngest. Don't leave him alone."
Now that I look back, I can understand why he wanted to hang out with us because no one else was around. I love my brother so much and it was always just me and him until we moved to KY and then it was Him, my big cousin and I. I never had a big sister so I looked up to her and wanted her all to myself. I was very selfish. We were like the three amigos, if one got in trouble we all got in trouble that is just how that went.
My cousin and I use to call ourselves, "THE DYNAMIC DUO" and when my brother was around we were called the Triple Trouble.
One day my cousin had a dog that used shit in the yard all of the time and we had to clean it up.
Well I guess timing was on our side because not too long before my brother got us in trouble for leaving the yard earlier that morning. I had to get him back.
He was always cautious around us thinking that we were going to do something to him for snitching.
We had to butter him up and I do mean good.
"Hey little bro you want us to swing you around."
His eyes lit up he could not resist. I believe he thought I was calling it a truce.
I grabbed his arms and she grabbed his legs and we began to swing all over the yard, just running and swinging him back and forth chanting, "Dynamic-duo, Dynamic-duo." Over and over again.
I spotted the pile of dog doo doo that we were suppose to clean up. It was so fresh you could practically see the steam still flowing off of it.
So we had to position ourselves for victory. I knew in my heart I was going to get an ass beating for this, but by god it will be well worth it.
As we swung him over the crap our chant changed to,
"Dynamic-doo-doo, Dynamic-doo-doo."
I though he would notice something was wrong. Nope he was just happy singing our chant along with us.
"Dynamic-doo-doo!!! Dynamic-doo-doo!!!"

" Ready, Set and Drop!!"
We dropped him hard. He went down and the smell came up. He laid there for a second or two and said, "Ow!!! That hurts." He slowly got up and looked down on the ground....
It  went up the back of his shirt and on the back of his butt and legs. I swear I seen him turn from a little boy to a full girl. He waved his arms like a mad chicken, screaming in soprano, the highest I have ever heard. He had his chest stuck way out by arching his back, like someone threw a cup of cold water on him, I guess he done that so he couldn't feel the heated stench coming from him.... well his shirt.
He took off screaming in the house.
I could hear my Mama and Grandma yell, "Boy what is wrong with you...Come back. What is that smell? Hey don't sit on my couch with that shit on you boy."
"Who did it?"
"Mckinzie!!!  Tiffany!!!.."
We got in trouble but not the whipping that I expected, hell they were laughing themselves but only when he took a bath.
We had to apologize to him. We did and he never told on us again.

Bakery Sale Compliments of Fido...

At the age of 10, I was a very experimental young girl. I was always finding ways to make some extra cash. I couldn't come to terms of me being called a schemer but an business woman preparing for my future.
Well my daddy just went to the grocery shopping. I am helping him put the food away and came across, "Cookies" I was excited  and ready to demolish all of them till they were gone.
Oh man I couldn't wait to taste those delicious cream filled Oreo cookies, soft oat meal frosted cookies and those sweet chocolate chip cookies that will dance with my taste buds and swim along with the coldness of milk to wash it all down..hmmmmmm..
I grabbed the cookies and daddy grabbed me. "These are for Fido don't eat those dog cookies." Confused I had to ask,  "Where is mine?"

 "Honey I ran out of money. Next time OK..Love you." He ended that conversation with a kiss and headed off to bed to take a nap. I could have sworn I saw Fido smiling at me. I saw his teeth.

Daddy loves the dog more than me.
Then it hit me if I could get dad some money then when he wakes up, he can buy me all of my favorite tasty treats. I am a genius.

I looked around the room to find a plan. Maybe I can make lemonade and sell it. Naw. That takes too long. I need a money maker. Across the room on the table, I saw my
piece of heaven. Fido looked at me and growled. I looked back and smiled.

Peeping at dad to make sure he was sleep. His snoring told me all I needed to know.
I took all the cookies and poured them into my moms cookie basket. Made a sign using the back of an old Muppet babies poster. Taped it to my coloring table. I had a nice set up, I must say so myself.
Three minutes of being outside I started sell Fido's cookies and they were a hit. Two cookies for 50 cent. I made a killing. This old lady across the street asked me honey these are delicious, did your mom bake these I kindly nodded yes. She loved them so much she bought three dollars worth.

After those were sold. I quickly packed up and headed in the house, Fido following me. I ran to daddy and said, "I have some money, it is from my piggy bank can we please go get some cookies."
We went to the store. I was happy. Never did he question why I had mainly dollars instead of the nickels and pennies he always gave me.

And of course I have to give Fido some but only a small piece of my oatmeal cookie and that is because I dropped it on the ground.

Wisdom is her name-o

So the family and I were in our way home from Alabama. I really hate road trips, and road trips with children are equally worse. Not because they exist, but because of all the bathroom breaks. So we stopped at a run down truck stop. The ones that you see in  murder movies where we ask for directions and old man Earl lead us the wrong way so we will get lost and  kill us or zombies chasing us at full speed. I was nervous and scared all in one, which heightened my sensation to pee. My wonderful cousin asked me to take her 5 year old daughter named Wisdom with me. I didn't mind. I'm thinking hey kill two birds with one stone. I should have known some shit was literally was about to go down.

On our way to our destination, I am dragging her, she is walking slow and  almost bumped into this elderly that weighted every bit of 400 to 500 pounds. No exaggeration included. This lady had her walking cane that look miserable it could literally feel its pain, but still served its purpose and she was running saying, "Oh god, please let me make it." With every step she took there were there were cussing and religious hymns coming out in unison. I was almost scared to be polite, even though she was old the way she was moving I knew she wasn't going to be able to hold it. On the other hand  just didn't want to smell the beast that was coming. We let her go first, but to my surprise the bathroom was just as big as shack of a truck stop. Actually looked clean and decent.

So I let Wisdom go in first, I had to make preparations like lining the toilet with loads and loads of paper. Then we heard the heavens open with a loud thundering roar; "Brrrrrraaaaaaaaaatatatatatat!!" Wisdom and I both froze in out spots.
"Oh thank ya Masa!!...Oh yes Lawd."
I wanted to giggle. I was kind of curious about the concerned look on Wisdom's face. She looked up at me and asked loudly,
"Ewwwwwwwww........Is she okay?" I could hear the other people waiting to go giggle.
"Sure sounds like it."
Wisdom didn't believe me so she knocked on the next stall saying,
 "Hey...Hey...are you alright in there?"
"Yes, honey I am."
Then Wisdom blurted out, "You sure don't smell like it, it can't breath." and started to hyperventilate like she was going to faint. I could agree it smelled like rotten cabbage, fresh dog do, sulfur and chitterlings rolled in one. Oh how I love my Little drama queen of a cousin. I still had to pee and embarrassed but couldn't keep her in there any longer. The waiting crowd thought she was hilarious. So a couple of miles down the road I had to make an announcement, "Excuse me, I have to pee." The one thing that had my deepest sympathy in this experience was the toilet. I know it would never be the same.

O

O

Sitting home, alone, no phone, ignoring the door…..  Cool

Passing time, sipping wine (merlot), no lights, listening to Bitches Brew

No worries, not in a hurry, I have nothing to do so,

Fuck my health, I puff on death,

Release my stress

Take myself to ecstasy, with my trusty two.

I can depend on you.

As I tip it, I bit my lip and I slowly pull them apart.

The higher the notes go….

The harder and deeper my fingers probe

I get so lost in myself visioning that it is you that I feel...felt

As your argot speaks to me

My body listens intensively... so complete

I am weak, but yet grinding to your beat

One rhythm in sync

My fantasy becomes a sexual splendor

Of moments I want to explore

More, more, more!!!!

My breaths get heavy, the pelvic screams

Do I want to cum yet?

So unsure

I feel the vibes of happiness

Do I want to cum yet?

No, I am gonna enjoy this

Yes, the more I drift away

I feel the tenseness of building up pleasure, slowly releasing from me

I want to hold on to it forever, the moment my body drops to at ease

You are gone only me.

Looking Staring in the darkness, hot to the touch

Unknown to the world, my loneliness is hushed.

Sitting home, alone, no phone, ignoring the door…..  Cool

Passing time, sipping wine (merlot), no lights listening to Bitches Brew

No worries, not in a hurry, I have nothing to do so,

Fuck my health, I puff on death,

Release my stress

Take myself to ecstasy with my trusty two.

I can depend on you.

The Cowardly Break up artist..

"Honey did u read your text message?"
"Not yet."
"Well read it, and don't reply"


"Where did you go this morning? I woke up and you were gone."
"I told you two weeks ago it was over, and I have moved outta town."
"You did not."
"Yes I did, I left you a letter under the bathroom sink by your tampons."


"Hi Mr. Smith is Sarah there."
"Well son, Sarah told me to inform you that it is over, she is in love with another guy and for you to stop calling and delete yourself from her facebook page."


"A Birthday sing a song telegram for Lilly from John."
"Oh..John I love him so much. Mom! Dad! Come and listen."
"Happy Birthday to you..I hate your family and you. It is over were threw..did I mention..I really hate you..and we're no more."