What I shouldn't say out Loud.....

These are random saying that I have heard in a couple of weeks from different people...The crazy thing is I acutally wrote on a piece of paper so I wouldn't forget the randomness of speaking before thinking." and some are just funny things that were said out loud....

"I work with a bunch of trick turners"

"I have worn these panties for two days now, they don't stink. I can wear them again just turn them inside out."

"If you don't want your man , I'll take him."

"She looks like a perverted little man, in a workout short set on his way to a women's fitness center."

"One of his hands is very pretty"

"When I was pleasuring her a piece of tissue fell out of her "V" I just tucked it back in and sent her home."

"I have on three bra's"

" I can't come to work, my uncle's, cousin's, sister's little brother's, nephew's, daughter in law's bestfriend's aunt's son's wife's daughter, is sick so I won't be in today."

" Do you cook your husband cereal?"

" I don't love you but I would love to have sex with you."

"She smelled like some wet doughnut.."

"I am not fat...I am thick."

"I use to be on meth and now I want to take over drug court."

"We used to date, but he was married, but we still messed around until he was giving her more attention."

"I really wish she wouldn't talk to me. Her breath stinks."

"OMG!! Your daughter looks just like you. Lord help her get through this."

" I know your husband use to like this we done it all the time."

"I am not black..I am indian, irish, african, vietaminese, korean, chinese, norwegian, and two-thirds cherokee."

"He smells like Ketchup."

"You look really skinny, you look good,  but your pants are drooping."

"I am allergic to your smell"

"She smells like regret and despair."

"I heard you on the phone so is it your baby?"

"Tag me when you are talking about my status."

"I like men on men action."

"Don't waste your camera on her, delete that shit."

" Our sex life is boring, my dick won't grow."

" I will give you your $2.00 next month when I get paid."

"He don't sell pills officer, those are mine. He sells weed."

"He is not slow, but he is crazy."

"Be right back...bout to go to work and come home sick."

"Don't look at me right now, I just shat my pants."

"She walks like her pussy is wrong."

The Toilet Dream

It all starts from childhood, maybe adolescent years and possibly drunken adulthood.
This dream isn't just a dream that nobody has ever dreamt about in their life. We all have...This is THE TOILET DREAM..the root to many ass whoppings.

I could remember my toilet dreams. Those dreams... I considered those as nightmares. I had to find out the hard way that a hardhead makes a soft ass. My mom always cut us off from water maybe an hour before bed time. I though I could out smart her. 15 minutes before bed time I can fake like I am going to pee and take the longest sips of water from the faucet, thinking that this will hold me over throughout the night.
Don't judge I was thristy dammit.

Snuggled in bed all nice and tight, my body was refreshed and nourished with what felt like gallons, gallons and more gallons of water....off to dream land...

Omg.. I have to pee. So I get up out of bed and walk to the bathroom, it is weird because there is like a blurry white, smoky Ora clouding my vision. Straight aheadof me was all I could see. I rubbed my eyes you know just waking up maybe that is the cause of the blur. So I am rubbing and rubbing I see no change, to hell with it I have to pee. Reaching the end of my short journey to my porcelain rest haven of relief, I was happy. Actually I feel really good about this.
I can heard the angels singing.."Ahhh ohhhh." The toilet was beautiful, and hit glowed so clean and bright, I felt like I couldn't get my pajama pants down fast enough. I held my breath until my behind out feel the brisk hard coldness of the seat. I exhale and, "ahhhh!!"  that feels damn good...
Nice....
A little warm....warmer...hot.hotter......cooler....cold.....freezing stuck....
Is there a hole in this toilet? I FEEL WET...but I don't see where....
and then..
I OPENED MY EYES..TOTAL DARKNESS..
Oh man.. I didn't make the toilet hell I didn't even leave my bed........Well, I might as well just lay there I already know I am due for an ass whooping...

Teen years were blissful but it wasn't much as a toilet dream anymore. It was all about the gutbusting laughing so hard till I had to pee.
My friends and I were silly. I was almost like were made each other laugh on purpose just to see who would wet themselves first.
The park was the hangout. People joked, laughed, danced and rap. My home girl and I never missed a day at the park. Something happened and everyone was on the ground laughing. I couldn't recall the event but I do know the outcome of our situation. My friend was laughing so hard tears were rolling down her face and I did too.
Laughing, laughing...can't catch breath...feel the urge....cross legs tightly together...think sad thoughts....
My friend looked at me with the uh oh look. I though that it was me so  I looked two tears dripped from my eyes onto my pants. Not the puddle that I had expected. I looked at her and Oh damn.. she was wet and still dripping, worse she had on khakhi pants, how obvious was that. I saw that and I cracked up laughing. I forgot my pausing situation.

She peed.....laughing.....laughing...can't breath......coughing....remembered to hold it....hold it...coughing..coughing...no stay there..drip...drip and puddle.
In broad day light. It was funny when were alone at the park, but everybody is here how embarrasing. taking our jackets and covering our front and backs we shamlessly went home. to vow to never laugh in public together again.



Adulthood seems to be all about stress. What do most of us do if you can't smoke weed..SUBSTITUTE!!! I drink myself into a stupor.
Great night at the club.
I was looking good, my girls was looking good and we didn't have to buy a drink that whole night. I took shot after shot after shot after shot.

 Within two hours I was the club's drunk bitch. I felt like a princess guys and girls buying me drinks. I never turned down a single one. I remember dancing with some guy he was big and felt like a mattress so soft so I just leaned on him and was dozing. Yep I said dozing right there on the dance floor with music going and people dancing.
He gave me a shot and that perked me up so I got back on the dance floor and that was all I remembered from the club scene.
I walk through the door..my house..trip..landing face flat....
I was in pain but yet comfortable..so I layed right there...

Damn.. I have to pee. So I get off the floor, with no drunken stumble walk to the bathroom, it is weird because there is like a blurry white, smoky Ora clouding my vision. Dejavu...Straight forward that was all I could see.  Reaching the end of my short journey to my porcelain rest haven of relief, I was happy. Actually I feel really good about this. I can hear the angels singing...again."Ahhh ohhhh." The toilet was beautiful, made for a queen and it glowed so clean and bright, I felt like I couldn't get my pajama pants down fast enough. I held my breath until my behind out feel the brisk hard coldness of the seat. I exhale and, "ahhhh!!"  that feels damn good...
I acutally made it to the toilet this time. I be damned if I piss myself as an adult.

Dear Fucking Diary

Dear Fuckin Diary,

Am I being punished? I feel that the cycle has continued from my past vendettas and results of bad karma. I am a grown woman now and the things that I use to do I should have grown out of but I haven't. Today is my big day to make a presentation for grad class and I am facing the worse period ever. I fuckin feel like I am either gonna cut a bitch or just cry. It is bad enough  already that my nerves are shot to hell and now my body aches from these frickin cramps. Bleeding like crazy, I feel like I want to die, when I move it moves too. I thought that I would be extra protected a tampon, pad, a wad of tissue and that is just being polite. Remembering that I didn't do laundry this week so I only have a long skirt and oversized "Granny Panties," but that  is alright, I was thinking I got this, just wrap the tissue around my panties and the pad, keep the grannies pulled up and then I am set.
On my way there I was chanting to myself "Girl you got this,"over and over again. When I got out of the car I was very confident, I ignored my visitor and kept it moving. I made it just in time, because I was up next. Cards in hand (check), smile on my face (check), so now I am ready to go. When I stepped on the stage, I literally felt like I was falling apart. The cramps went from minor to someone stabbing my insides with a fuckin butcher's knife and my extra protection down below made me feel like I was harboring a California king size bed. Getting into my my presentation I had to walk back and forth across the stage to try to capture my audience. I started feeling my grannies slide with each step. OMG!! I began to pray in my head ,"Please don't let them fall." The audience clapped  louder, my underwear was getting lower and my walking completely stopped. I was still talking to the class trying to speed up the conclusion so I can go handle the business and "Thump" I saw a couple of classmates look down at my feet, I could and would not bring myself to the humility that I was about to face, I didn't look down or out at them, I just felt warm underwear around my ankles. I was dummified, no being able to move. I wished at that time that someone was there to help or kill me and at that time I would settle for some tragic shit to go down. I slowly gathered my pride stepped out of my underwear, put them in my purse and left class for that day. Who in the hell can say that this has happened to them?

5 truths of Being an Ass Kisser.

I know how to shmooze people into doing things for me or giving me the answer that I want to hear. I consider that to be just apart of life. It is called "Survivng the Game of Life."
There is a difference between shmoozing and just puckering up.

To make this clear I used my online dictionary as a source.

schmooze or schmoose also shmooze  (shmz) Slang

v. schmoozed or schmoosed also shmoozed, schmooz·ing or schmoos·ing also shmooz·ing, schmooz·es or schmoos·es also shmooz·es

v.intr.

To converse casually, especially in order to gain an advantage or make a social connection.

v.tr.

To engage in schmoozing with: "how to be a professional artisthow to be a businessperson, how to schmooze the collectors" (Paige Powell).

n.

The act or an instance of shmoozing.

Define: Suck Up aka Kissing Ass

(sŭk'ŭp')
n. Informal
A person who flatters or defers to others obsequiously; a sycophant.

Behave obsequiously towards, ingratiate oneself with, as in Now that he's the boss they're all sucking up to him, hoping to get big raises. [Vulgar slang; mid-1800s]

Advantages of being of Being a kiss ass, sucking up, brown nosing ect.......

1) You get a lot of praise from your boss and "some" co-workers...

but even though you get the "Good Jobs" and "Best Employee Award,"

The truth is........
I am willing to do whatever it takes to be the shining light at the work place, even it I have to snitch and back stab my way to the top.

Co-workers.....
Here comes the snitch. Always in the bosses office. Even though we don't know what for we always assume that it is for snitching. Asking me questions for what so that you can go and tell. How about we talk in codes and email each other.

2) Very willing to help your fellow co-workers in their time of need....

The truth is.........

You are interested in helping your co-workers and also learning their job in the process so that you can brag to the boss that you are mulitasked and can take on multiple roles other than your job...

Co-workers view......
Why are you trying to come around and take my job. I am going to half show you and not show you all of what it is that I do. Back the hell up and find you something to do pertaining to your job.

3) Being very concerned about whether your co-workers are doing, "The Right Thing."

The truth is..........
I know that they are not working all of the time or following the guidelines so therefore I am telling. I may walk around their personal area just to see what they are really doing. If I am not for sure I am going to ask in question form such as, "So are you doing your homework?" or "Are you blogging?"

Co-Worker's view
Hey How about "Why are you concerned about what I am doing?" and a "If what I am doing affecting you and your work area?" top it off with...."Bitch if you don't mind your business I am going to take your name badge and shove it down your throat."

4) I am very helpful. If my co-worker doesn't know then I have the answer.

The truth is...........
Talking out of turn. If they don't know the answer and it is apart of their job I will answer the best way possible. I like to listen to my co-workers phone calls and ask questions because I need to know what, when, where and how they are doing and I have to know what they are talking about and who they are talking to.
Co-Workers.........
"Fuck it...today is the day that I will not speak in codes I am going to say what the hell I want and how I want.. Guess what I dare you ask me anything?"

5)  Spending extra time in the bosses office. I just think it is professional to keep them informed about the work ethics of their employees.

The truth is.............
I am trying to get ahead in this office. I will get anyone i trouble and I will definitely keep the boss informed about who is getting on facebook, chatting or blogging at work. Not to mention don't be a minute over your lunch break because I will tell and you will face the consequences.

Co-workers...........
Do I really want her to relieve me for my break today, "Uh hell no." Damn here she comes I have to turn my computer at an angle because she likes to lurk around to see what I am doing. "Why did she just ask me that question, is she trying to figure out what my intentions are in finding another job?"

Loner

This is why I am a loner..................

1) I trust nobody with my secrets there is maybe one or two and they are close family like my brother and sister. I have to be around you all of the time I do mean daily. Not as in saying "Hi" every blue moon or a facebook bestfriend, I mean sitting down and talking to you getting to know who you are and your ways.
2) I have come to the realization that I stay to myself because I don't like people.
People can really piss you off. 
3) I don't like to watch what I say, or think twice about somebody going back and twisting up my story.
4) I like to watch drama on T.V. then I change the channel. My life is quite and B.S. free.
5) People say and do the unnessessary.
6) When Friends become enemies you will be exposed, by word of mouth and facebook.
7) They talk about the other friends you hangout with..How do you know that they aren't talking about you?
8) There is really not such thing as a true friend but there is such thing as a long temporary friend.  Get it......Fri "END."
9) Facebook friends are just what they are suppose to be friends on social network. Unless you know them personally there is nothing to talk about..
10) I wish I could delete people in real life.
11) Not ever keeping it real because deep down inside they will tell you... you look good so that you won't look better than them.
12) Never genuine about what they do or have done for you. You better believe if they have done it for you somebody else knows about the deed as well.
13) There is a different in venting to someone and actually dogging your so called "friend" out.
14) I won't tag people when I am commenting about their status. No need it is my page, "U no Like" D-E-L-E-T-E it is so simple.  online gangstas, "OG's" are not gansta at all.
15) I like being me and being around myself.. Don't need no ones approval.
16) People have fucked up ways..and do fucked up stuff to others and I am a strong believer in Karma.
17) Hypocrites are the worse, don't judge me cause you may have or is currently doing what you are judging undercover.
18) I don't get into others business but people like talking to me and that is ok. I may tell or may not, but if I did..what.
19) I am not a bitch, but I am a firm believer in the three strike rule.
20) Don't have any enemies that is because I stay to myself, and start no shit. As the old saying goes, "Don't start not Shit...Won't be no shit!!"

A Woman's Love

The bitter woman once had love in her heart.
He directly tore it apart.
She gave all she could, always left down her guard.
She gave him love which was easy,
Him loving her was hard.
He was suppose to be her shield,  to protect her from the storm.
He turned out to be the demon in an cherub uniform.
He abused her verbally "You are not pretty to me.",
She gained low self esteem,
Every sentence he spoke "You will never find another like me."
She began to believe.
He beat her..mentally.
She couldn't leave.
Loved him unconditionally,
Ride or Die for him..risk loosing her sanity.
He is unfaithful and full of lies.
Her heart is broken but grateful that he is still in her life. She sacrifice.
He continues to "Live"
She is trying to "Give"
"He cheated with her" constantly on her mind but she forgives.
He is always angry, don't want to be affected
She tried to act as if it wasn't bothering her, she didn't want to feel rejected.
He ranted about her misfortunes and the past things she done
All she wanted was to have that special someone..to be the loved.
He wants to go, and live his life.
All she wants is her reward to be his wife.
She wants to be his future
He thinks she is a patched up old suture
His love he is forgetting.
She realizes where she is now and starts regretting.
She answers "I have loved to much."
He knows he didn't love enough.

Soul No.....My first Jerri Curl Experience

Man I loved the 90's. At eight years old...The best times of my life were spent living in Rose Acres with my Grandmother, Cousin, Brother and Mother. Taught me alot about making my own choices and not to be easily influenced. My mom is cool but didn't just let us watch any rated R movie most times we had to sneak and watch by turning the TV down low, maybe that is why I am so good at lips reading.

One evening my mom let Mckinzie, Ojay and I watch "Coming to America."
Great movie. One of my all time favorites. Good laughs until I saw the "Sol Glo" commercial....

Omg!! I want my hair to look like that. Screw the beads and braids. I want hair that is silky smooth... I can run my fingers through it.... and shake it, beautiful and bouncy...... I want a Jerri Curl!!! I begged and begged... "Can I pleeeeaaaassseee get a Jerri Curl?" It came to many days that I fell down on my knees grabbing at her ankles. Most days she just said,

 "Hell f---in no!!! Don't ask no more!!"

So I tried the non verbal approach and just clung onto her legs crying and she would just kick me off and keep on walking.

This isn't working cause usually when mama said, "No." that is what she meant it.

GRANDMA!!!

I went in her room with my head down, moaping around saying, " Grandma can I get a Jerri Curl..please, I will take care of it I promise."

Grandma felt sorry for me and told me I could get it on Saturday. My mom was pissed, but grandma talked to her about it and she seemed pretty cool, but warned  me, "Next time I say NO. That is what the f--- I mean." I nodded, "Yes maam." Walking away smiling.. YES!!! I AM GOING TO GET MY JERRI CURL!!!!  I was so happy... Hello world welcome the new Tiffany on Saturday with the soft and silk smooth....JERRI CURL!!!

Saturday finally came........

I walked out of the house waving bye to my mom, brother and cousin. Knowing that they are gonna be jealous of me and my new doo. I can only imagine.......

Mama's last words to me as I got inside Grandmas car, "You sure you want to do this?" "Yes mama I am gonna be BEAUTIFUL!!!" She just looked at me, shook her head and went in the house.

I couldn't wait for grandma's car to stop I jumped out and headed to the beauty shop saying, "I am happy I am getting a Jerri Curl today!!" They all looked at me like "Okay."

So grandma came in and introduced me to the beautician named "Liza." She too had a Jerri Curl, but she had a blond patch in the front of hers and that was cool.

She started working on my hair very quickly.

SNIP...SNAP..SNIP..SNIP

I was seeing my hair falling from my head...I was thinking what the f@#*!!

"Why are you cutting my hair?"

"Oh honey you have dead ends, it is just a trim."

More and more of my damn hair started to fall...

More clipping......wash....rolled...under dryer......taken out......

and w-a-l-a-h

I got out of the chair. looked on the floor...Looked at grandma telling me, "Awwww..look at my beautiful grandbaby." I am looking in the mirror...Awww is right. I look like a boy. So grandma but a banana clip in my hair..Hell I had more clip than hair. I am so ugly why lie..everyone knows it. I have no hair!!!! I had no boobs, skinny as a stick and with no hair on my head. I tried to hold in the tears... I couldn't go home like this...What happened to the luster, beautiful, long, silky like the sol glow commercial. That is the only thing that kept replaying in my mind....

 What the hell happened!!!

My grandma let me walk through the door first. The walk of shame.. My mama was standing in the hall way shaking her head in a, "I told yo ass." mannerism. My brother and cousin put their hands over their mouths trying not to laugh. If I would have saw any teeth from either one of them..I definitely  would have sprayed them in the face with my "Care Free Curl Activator."

I laid on the bed, my grandma came in rubbed my back and said, "Honey your hair will grow back." she gave me a hug and said, "I have something for you and you have to use this all of the time." Smiling I thought it was a special gift for me after this horrible experience. She pulled out a clear plastic shower cap.....

Couldn't do anything that involved laying around or me head making contact with any furniture without that damn cap. ME and that cap became frienemies really quick. I hated it but I loved it, that cap saved my from getting plenty of would be ass whoppins. For the next couple of months...I always heard, "Are you wearing that cap?" "Girl I you don't get your head off that couch, go get the cap before I knock your hair straight!!"

Constant threats of knocking some hair on my head, knocking it straight, and knocking the grease off my face, if I didn't wear the cap. Woke up with a greasy face every morning, didn't want to stay outside long on hot summer days like the other kids activator always ran down my face, in my eyes and shirt. Plus, I was afraid of shrinkage into a box fade. My head freezing in the winter time because I couldn't wear my knitted hat, due to the activator and the worse of all many sleepless nights due to the crunching of the plastic cap, whenever I moved or changed positions that sounded like someone was crunching a brown paper bag in my ears.

The sad thing is that I was told I have to wait six month for the curl to wear down. I could not wait to get my braids and beads back.

Soft and silky smooth my ass...