Dynamic-Doo-doo

Growing up my cousin  and I use to try to find ways to torture my little brother who was 6 at the time. He was always wanting to follow us everywhere we went.. Everywhere. When we did leave him he use to tell on us and we got in trouble by Mama and Grandma. It was always,
"He is the youngest. Don't leave him alone."
Now that I look back, I can understand why he wanted to hang out with us because no one else was around. I love my brother so much and it was always just me and him until we moved to KY and then it was Him, my big cousin and I. I never had a big sister so I looked up to her and wanted her all to myself. I was very selfish. We were like the three amigos, if one got in trouble we all got in trouble that is just how that went.
My cousin and I use to call ourselves, "THE DYNAMIC DUO" and when my brother was around we were called the Triple Trouble.
One day my cousin had a dog that used shit in the yard all of the time and we had to clean it up.
Well I guess timing was on our side because not too long before my brother got us in trouble for leaving the yard earlier that morning. I had to get him back.
He was always cautious around us thinking that we were going to do something to him for snitching.
We had to butter him up and I do mean good.
"Hey little bro you want us to swing you around."
His eyes lit up he could not resist. I believe he thought I was calling it a truce.
I grabbed his arms and she grabbed his legs and we began to swing all over the yard, just running and swinging him back and forth chanting, "Dynamic-duo, Dynamic-duo." Over and over again.
I spotted the pile of dog doo doo that we were suppose to clean up. It was so fresh you could practically see the steam still flowing off of it.
So we had to position ourselves for victory. I knew in my heart I was going to get an ass beating for this, but by god it will be well worth it.
As we swung him over the crap our chant changed to,
"Dynamic-doo-doo, Dynamic-doo-doo."
I though he would notice something was wrong. Nope he was just happy singing our chant along with us.
"Dynamic-doo-doo!!! Dynamic-doo-doo!!!"

" Ready, Set and Drop!!"
We dropped him hard. He went down and the smell came up. He laid there for a second or two and said, "Ow!!! That hurts." He slowly got up and looked down on the ground....
It  went up the back of his shirt and on the back of his butt and legs. I swear I seen him turn from a little boy to a full girl. He waved his arms like a mad chicken, screaming in soprano, the highest I have ever heard. He had his chest stuck way out by arching his back, like someone threw a cup of cold water on him, I guess he done that so he couldn't feel the heated stench coming from him.... well his shirt.
He took off screaming in the house.
I could hear my Mama and Grandma yell, "Boy what is wrong with you...Come back. What is that smell? Hey don't sit on my couch with that shit on you boy."
"Who did it?"
"Mckinzie!!!  Tiffany!!!.."
We got in trouble but not the whipping that I expected, hell they were laughing themselves but only when he took a bath.
We had to apologize to him. We did and he never told on us again.

Bakery Sale Compliments of Fido...

At the age of 10, I was a very experimental young girl. I was always finding ways to make some extra cash. I couldn't come to terms of me being called a schemer but an business woman preparing for my future.
Well my daddy just went to the grocery shopping. I am helping him put the food away and came across, "Cookies" I was excited  and ready to demolish all of them till they were gone.
Oh man I couldn't wait to taste those delicious cream filled Oreo cookies, soft oat meal frosted cookies and those sweet chocolate chip cookies that will dance with my taste buds and swim along with the coldness of milk to wash it all down..hmmmmmm..
I grabbed the cookies and daddy grabbed me. "These are for Fido don't eat those dog cookies." Confused I had to ask,  "Where is mine?"

 "Honey I ran out of money. Next time OK..Love you." He ended that conversation with a kiss and headed off to bed to take a nap. I could have sworn I saw Fido smiling at me. I saw his teeth.

Daddy loves the dog more than me.
Then it hit me if I could get dad some money then when he wakes up, he can buy me all of my favorite tasty treats. I am a genius.

I looked around the room to find a plan. Maybe I can make lemonade and sell it. Naw. That takes too long. I need a money maker. Across the room on the table, I saw my
piece of heaven. Fido looked at me and growled. I looked back and smiled.

Peeping at dad to make sure he was sleep. His snoring told me all I needed to know.
I took all the cookies and poured them into my moms cookie basket. Made a sign using the back of an old Muppet babies poster. Taped it to my coloring table. I had a nice set up, I must say so myself.
Three minutes of being outside I started sell Fido's cookies and they were a hit. Two cookies for 50 cent. I made a killing. This old lady across the street asked me honey these are delicious, did your mom bake these I kindly nodded yes. She loved them so much she bought three dollars worth.

After those were sold. I quickly packed up and headed in the house, Fido following me. I ran to daddy and said, "I have some money, it is from my piggy bank can we please go get some cookies."
We went to the store. I was happy. Never did he question why I had mainly dollars instead of the nickels and pennies he always gave me.

And of course I have to give Fido some but only a small piece of my oatmeal cookie and that is because I dropped it on the ground.

Wisdom is her name-o

So the family and I were in our way home from Alabama. I really hate road trips, and road trips with children are equally worse. Not because they exist, but because of all the bathroom breaks. So we stopped at a run down truck stop. The ones that you see in  murder movies where we ask for directions and old man Earl lead us the wrong way so we will get lost and  kill us or zombies chasing us at full speed. I was nervous and scared all in one, which heightened my sensation to pee. My wonderful cousin asked me to take her 5 year old daughter named Wisdom with me. I didn't mind. I'm thinking hey kill two birds with one stone. I should have known some shit was literally was about to go down.

On our way to our destination, I am dragging her, she is walking slow and  almost bumped into this elderly that weighted every bit of 400 to 500 pounds. No exaggeration included. This lady had her walking cane that look miserable it could literally feel its pain, but still served its purpose and she was running saying, "Oh god, please let me make it." With every step she took there were there were cussing and religious hymns coming out in unison. I was almost scared to be polite, even though she was old the way she was moving I knew she wasn't going to be able to hold it. On the other hand  just didn't want to smell the beast that was coming. We let her go first, but to my surprise the bathroom was just as big as shack of a truck stop. Actually looked clean and decent.

So I let Wisdom go in first, I had to make preparations like lining the toilet with loads and loads of paper. Then we heard the heavens open with a loud thundering roar; "Brrrrrraaaaaaaaaatatatatatat!!" Wisdom and I both froze in out spots.
"Oh thank ya Masa!!...Oh yes Lawd."
I wanted to giggle. I was kind of curious about the concerned look on Wisdom's face. She looked up at me and asked loudly,
"Ewwwwwwwww........Is she okay?" I could hear the other people waiting to go giggle.
"Sure sounds like it."
Wisdom didn't believe me so she knocked on the next stall saying,
 "Hey...Hey...are you alright in there?"
"Yes, honey I am."
Then Wisdom blurted out, "You sure don't smell like it, it can't breath." and started to hyperventilate like she was going to faint. I could agree it smelled like rotten cabbage, fresh dog do, sulfur and chitterlings rolled in one. Oh how I love my Little drama queen of a cousin. I still had to pee and embarrassed but couldn't keep her in there any longer. The waiting crowd thought she was hilarious. So a couple of miles down the road I had to make an announcement, "Excuse me, I have to pee." The one thing that had my deepest sympathy in this experience was the toilet. I know it would never be the same.

O

O

Sitting home, alone, no phone, ignoring the door…..  Cool

Passing time, sipping wine (merlot), no lights, listening to Bitches Brew

No worries, not in a hurry, I have nothing to do so,

Fuck my health, I puff on death,

Release my stress

Take myself to ecstasy, with my trusty two.

I can depend on you.

As I tip it, I bit my lip and I slowly pull them apart.

The higher the notes go….

The harder and deeper my fingers probe

I get so lost in myself visioning that it is you that I feel...felt

As your argot speaks to me

My body listens intensively... so complete

I am weak, but yet grinding to your beat

One rhythm in sync

My fantasy becomes a sexual splendor

Of moments I want to explore

More, more, more!!!!

My breaths get heavy, the pelvic screams

Do I want to cum yet?

So unsure

I feel the vibes of happiness

Do I want to cum yet?

No, I am gonna enjoy this

Yes, the more I drift away

I feel the tenseness of building up pleasure, slowly releasing from me

I want to hold on to it forever, the moment my body drops to at ease

You are gone only me.

Looking Staring in the darkness, hot to the touch

Unknown to the world, my loneliness is hushed.

Sitting home, alone, no phone, ignoring the door…..  Cool

Passing time, sipping wine (merlot), no lights listening to Bitches Brew

No worries, not in a hurry, I have nothing to do so,

Fuck my health, I puff on death,

Release my stress

Take myself to ecstasy with my trusty two.

I can depend on you.

The Cowardly Break up artist..

"Honey did u read your text message?"
"Not yet."
"Well read it, and don't reply"


"Where did you go this morning? I woke up and you were gone."
"I told you two weeks ago it was over, and I have moved outta town."
"You did not."
"Yes I did, I left you a letter under the bathroom sink by your tampons."


"Hi Mr. Smith is Sarah there."
"Well son, Sarah told me to inform you that it is over, she is in love with another guy and for you to stop calling and delete yourself from her facebook page."


"A Birthday sing a song telegram for Lilly from John."
"Oh..John I love him so much. Mom! Dad! Come and listen."
"Happy Birthday to you..I hate your family and you. It is over were threw..did I mention..I really hate you..and we're no more."

Maybe you shouldn't wear it.....

If you wear perfume that smell like a porta potty on a hot july day, with a hint of twenty old ladies in a bingo hall wearing Estee Lauder's flowery scent that makes others around you either gag, tear up, hold their nose or looking like their head is about to explode into millions from the lack of oxygen. (Breath) Maybe you shouldn't wear it.

If you have a muffin top.. nothing is wrong with a little extra loving but it is very wrong not to wear a shirt that fits. I know it is summer time and many of us want to wear the least amount as much as possible, but if you can't lift your arms up with out showing that grossness of glop you call a stomach. Maybe you shouldn't wear it.

Leggins are not made for tiny shirt.....

Scrub your heel before you wear sandals, heel, flip flops and before trying to get romantic with your lover... What is more embarrassing when you are in the heat of the moment and you hear him scream in pain and agony, because he accidently made contact with those caveman heels.

If you are going to the club and you ask your homegirl do I look good in this..Listen closely watch her facial expression because she may squint, frown, smirk or just stare. Maybe you shouldn't wear it. Chances are she is going to say you look good because deep down inside she wants you to look like the fool and for her drinks to be free all night.

I am a nice size, busty woman skinny by no means. I know it take alot more searching when I have to bra shop. Now, some of us really need to stop kidding ourselves say that you are a 32c knowing good and well that reality need to hit you in the face with a 44dd.